Week off from horrible super-knackering work and my dad’s taking me out for Chinese today. No work at all this weekend. And my Italy guides came. And Fyre and I are planning an extended visit in August to do Fringe Festival things!

It feels a little like life is coming to me with its head hung and trying to apologise.

Have you ever been so deep in friend-love with someone that you are actively happier just remembering that they exist in the world?

There aren’t many people who could make me smile/laugh/feel okay today, but I’m very very lucky to have the few people here for me that can.

At 5am this morning, my grandmother passed away. She officially died of terminal cancer, but really she just died of old age.

And I’m more okay than I should be, probably because my mum’s all broken and I can’t let her down by not being there for her. I might write out a eulogy for her a little later, when I can think straight, but right now I need to just sit and process.

Thank you to everyone who’s been here for me in the last two months, when she was seriously ill and things kept getting worse. It means so, so much to me knowing I have friends like you.

Need to eat more than a yoghurt and two small bites of banana. Can’t because it’s only 6:45am, and I feel sick. I mostly feel sick because my boss can trigger a panic attack by just being in the room with me, and he’s on for almost all of my shift today. He almost made me vomit and actually made me cry yesterday.

And I can’t quit because I have no other reliable source of income.

Today, I swear to God, I saw a couple eating burgers at the McDonald’s where i work, who looked EXACTLY like Rumple and Belle.

I actually did a double-take when I saw them: the guy was facing away from me, wearing an expensive dark suit and his hair was EXACTLY like Bobby’s as Gold. It was the right colour and cut and everything, right down to the little bits of grey. He even had a similar profile when I got to see him from the side. Eating lunch with a pretty young brunette woman, who was holding his hand over the table. And eating burgers.

My day sucked but that was awesome.

The worst thing is having to hold my mother when she cries.

The actual worst thing.

So guess what I’m making for lunch

Maple syrup and bacon. Aww yisss.

I HAVE AN ACTUAL DAY OFF

So today is a self-care/indulgence day.

I’m staying in sweats. I’m making pancakes and I might go down to my work and get a pizza for lunch and I’m drinking chocolate milk. I am going to write and watch TV and generally do what I want and not feel guilty for it.

April has been none-stop responsibility and socialising and -planning for my future-. I’m exhausted. Hence my relatively small online presence and lack off fic this month: I had no time or energy.

These next few days I have off, I’m remedying all that. I’m seeing this demon month out in style.

Have come down with a cold.

Have read company website and discovered that such symptoms mean I shouldn’t be in a food production environment.

Considering the shitstorm that went down the last time I was contagious and followed regulations, if half my town gets a cold because I was serving their food then it’s on my managers’ heads.

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SO GUESS WHAT I’M DOING TOMORROW

I’ve been given a work experience placement helping out on a BBC show. It’s a kids’ show about pirates and I’m helping all week next week and it’s a super competitive work placement program but I GOT IN.

ME. I AM HELPING AT THE MOTHAFUCKING BBC.

Guess who came down with a stomach bug at work yesterday and was silently judged to just have a hangover and forced to work through anyway?

And is now taking a sick day because fuck you I do what I want?

This bitch.

Because really, with all the confusing shit that’s happening in my life right now, a stomach bug was what I needed. Yep. At least I get a day off to just relax and get better. That’s something I guess.

Wee!

So this week, all day and a half of it thus far, is already starting to make up for the absolute horror of last week.

1. I got to spend over twenty four hours with my best friend and wrapped a girl in cling film and went shopping and watched TV and it was awesome.

1. My time off has been approved 100% for the end of the month so I can go watch Avengers and Iron Man 3 when it’s released at midnight with Fyre.
   
   
2. I got a call from the BBC about my work experience application that sounded really positive and hopeful so I AM EXCITE.
   
   
3. I’VE BOOKED THE EUROPE TOUR FOR JUNE SO I CAN GO BACKPACKING WITH VAL. ROMA AND FIRENZE AND VENEZIA AND VIENNA AND PRAGUE FUCKING YES!!!!

Nothing’s going to make last week okay, to be honest, but at least things seem to be looking up a bit!

The odd moment when someone you’ve crushed on since you were 11 is suddenly single again for the first time in three years.

Grandma has been diagnosed with terminal, widespread cancer. She’s a long way gone and they don’t know how long she has left.

So that’s that, then. I don’t know what to say or how to feel right now, so I’m going to keep my plans and go out with a friend and have a drink. Because I’m a coward and I can’t stay around here while my mum cries and my dad tries to work out the details. I’m no help anyway, it just makes me cry harder.